Del Norte Child Care Council Newsletter Articles

The Dangerous Emotion
Ways to express anger without harming your child.
by Dr. Lawrence Balter

From the moment a baby is born, most parents make the infant's safety a priority. They ensure that she is immunized and that her toys are safe to play with. Parents store dangerous medicines and cleaning supplies out of their child's reach. They always make sure she's buckled into her car safety seat.

But in my 20 years of working with children and parents, I've learned that the issue of safety doesn't end with putting child gates across stairs. It's just as crucial that children grow up with a sense of emotional safety, the knowledge that home is a place where people will not harm one another either with actions or with words. When it comes to raising children who feel safe, the management of parental anger is key.

HOW YOUR ANGER AFFECTS YOUR CHILD

It's all too easy for parents to get mad at kids. Since preschoolers are at a stage of development in which self-centeredness is the rule, they don't express gratitude for the things you do for them. In fact, young children take everything for granted. Also, of course, youngsters frequently "mess up," by spilling milk, for instance, or breaking something they weren't supposed to touch. So it's no surprise when parents, who sometimes feel as if they're trapped in a never-ending, thankless job, get angry at their kids.

But imagine for a moment that you're a child and you've just spilled a glass of juice on the sofa. Your mother enters the room, sees the mess, and frowns. Her face gets red and she seems to grow larger right before your eyes. "I told you and told you not to bring your juice into the living room!" she shouts. "Why can't you ever listen? I don't know what I'm going to do!" You cringe, burst into tears, and back away.

It's as if your mother—the person whom you love, trust, and depend on more than anyone else—has suddenly turned into a monster. Your safe, secure world becomes dark and scary; it's no longer a reassuring place but a threatening one filled with unpredictable danger.

No parent really wants a child to feel this way. At the same time, getting angry is a normal response to feeling thwarted, ignored, or unappreciated. Sometimes you may want to physically strike out at your child. But it's crucial that any angry feelings be kept separate from actions. Research on the effects of physical punishment has clearly demonstrated that hitting a child is not only ineffective but psychologically damaging.

A better way to have handled the case of the spilled juice might have been for the mother to leave the room and regain her composure. Then she could have had the child help her clean up the sofa. Afterward, she might talk to her child about the incident, or place the living room off-limits for the rest of the afternoon.

Managing your anger protects your child by teaching and demonstrating tolerance, patience, problem-solving skills, and self-control. The first step toward managing anger is to recognize and understand it.

THE MASKS OF ANGER

Recognizing anger is not always easy. It takes many forms, some of which are hidden or disguised. Here are a few of the most common ways that angry feelings may be masked:

Sometimes parents feel guilty about being angry at a child but express their feelings indirectly. For instance, when a child's nightmares keep you up at night, you may not want to admit that you're irritated; after all, bad dreams aren't his fault. So without even realizing it, you bury the resentment.

You may unconsciously attempt to deny anger, but it can sneak out in disguise. If you can't admit you're angry at your child, you may inadvertently "get even" with him by forgetting to pack a treat in his lunch box or by being short with him. But if you acknowledge to yourself that you're angry—even unfairly so—you'll be better able to control the ways in which you express your feelings.

Feeling sad or depressed may point to buried anger; another indication is accident-proneness. If you've been having discipline problems with your child and find that you're dropping dishes and bumping into people, check out your inner state. View such clumsiness as a possible sign of anger, and put yourself on notice to be vigilant about your feelings.